Thanks 'Modern Family'

Jack (7) turned to Henry (6) a couple of nights ago and said, "Did you know that two men can marry*and live together?"

Henry: "Yeah."

Jack:  "Did you know that two men can be a family and have a baby?"

Henry: "Yeah.  I know that."

It was a very nonchalant conversation and it made me proud of the lovely boys I get to call my sons.  I'd also like to thank Modern Family!   When my son was asking about two men loving each other a couple of weeks ago, I was able to site the men from Modern Family with their baby as an example and it made it very easy for him to understand.  

My husband and I both enjoy the show though normally our children wouldn't watch it.  For whatever reason they've recently seen a couple of episodes and most of it goes over their heads but they've gotten to see the dynamics of different families in the modern age, and I'm all for that.

I love that two men or two women loving each other is already an okay concept for them.  I don't ever want them to grow up believing that it's wrong to be gay, or that it's okay to persecute or bully people whose life has worked out differently to the 'norm'.

*I know we could have the same sex marriage debate.  I know that technically in Australia and many (most?) other countries around the world, the law does not allow gay marriage to be recognised legally. My husband has said before that when they ask if a man can marry a man, or a woman marry a woman, that I should say, "No" because legally they can't.  At their age though, I think that would be confusing and more likely to make them think that being gay is wrong, because the law won't recognise it.

I'll end with a picture of our family (minus husband/Dad who couldn't make it on our school holiday trip).   This was taken when we went with my youngest brother and his family to watch a 'Horsemanship Spectacular' last weekend outside of Hervey Bay.  

A big cheers from our modern family to yours, whatever form it may take.

x

Just breathe..

Wow I haven't even been blogging for very long and yet I find that I've already gotten slack with keeping up with it!

I'm just typing now to get things off my chest really, not because it's anything that I necessarily want to remember for eternity.  My husband has been invited by an old university friend to attend a wedding in Seattle (we're in Australia).  I knew that he was keen to go so I said if he felt we could afford it then it was fine if he wanted to go (we have had stress due to him facing redundancy this year but that's a whole other post I guess!).

Anyway he decided he would go.  His friend let him know that no one else they went to uni with in England would be going and of course being the bride, she is very busy in the week coming up to the wedding and going straight on her honeymoon afterwards.  So when he realised she wouldn't have much time to catch up, and nor would his English friends be there, he asked if I would like to go.

My initial reaction was that I'd love to go, if we could work out what to do with the kids.  Of course it only took about half an hour for my anxiety about it to start setting in.  I guess I'll never know if I'd be different if we had relatives who lived in the area and I was used to the kids sleeping over with grandparents.

I sent an email to Mum and Dad asking if they would have the kids. I gave them three options - a) to have them at their farm, b) have them at Hervey Baywhere they have a simple holiday house, or c) to have them here at our house (an eight hour drive for my parents).  

For US, c) would be the perfect option.  It would mean the boys wouldn't miss any school, also giving Mum and Dad a break during the day.  Florence could still go to daycare on her usual three days, giving my parents three days where they'd get a complete break for five or so hours at least!

Mum and Dad opted for their farm.  I started to think of how much time off school/how much extra work I'd have to take off with me having to spend a day driving them there and then spend a day driving back to catch a plane to fly out.   Then doing the same in reverse when I got back.  They'd miss two weeks of school plus they'd just be so much further away once I got back.

My main worry though was 'what if something happens to us?'... We do have a will in place and as my husband pointed out, something could happen to us both at any time and in a weird way, that actually calmed me for a while as I knew he was right.  Mum is nearly 70 and Dad nearly 68 and I worry about how they would cope with my children for ten days, I can't even imagine how they, or my kids would cope if something happened to us.

I basically talked myself out of it.  My anxiety wins again.   Would it have been better if Mum and Dad had felt able to come here?  Possibly but I'd still be faced with the 'something happening to us' issue.  But at least with routines in place and not having to think of what can go wrong on a farm, my anxiety about what might happen to THEM would probably be less.

When I was younger, I probably worried about what would happen to me for MY sake.  Now it's like I don't really think about that at all, but rather the impact on my children of something happening to me.

When I told Mum I didn't think I could do it, she wrote back something along the lines of, "You must be your mother's daughter.  I had already started to worry about what would happen if someone got sick or if there was something we couldn't handle because we didn't know their personalities well enough.  But then I tried to remind myself I should think of the glass being half full and that we would cope. "

Sigh... how I also try to think of the positive and yet my brain works overtime and starts my chest feeling tight and I can't shut down.  I was waking at night and not being able to sleep until I made the decision that I couldn't go.

I WISH I could.  My husband and I haven't spent more 24 hours alone without our children since our eldest was born nearly eight years ago.  While I know a lot of people would be in the same boat, I think it would be really healthy for our relationship to have some 'adult only' time.  My husband is planning all the things he's going to see and do and I feel a pull of envy that he's going to have so much fun!  I SHOULD be able to go.  I WANT to go.  But I feel like I CAN'T go.  I am holding myself back from life, or at least it feels like my anxiety is holding me back from that.

I don't think of myself as suffering badly from anxiety on a day to day basis, but things like this do bring it on!

My friends found out on Friday night when we went out for dinner that I wasn't going to go.  The  next day one friend rang and told me I have to go and that she had discussed it with her husband and he would help her look after our kids, even if she slept over at our house so that they were in their own beds. She said "Don't say no straight away! Just think about it." (She knows me well obviously!  I find it very hard to ask for help and just as hard to accept it when it's offered.)

So I did think about it.  I'm still thinking about it.  At first I felt a tingle of excitement that I might still be able to go.  I thought of other friends who would help Danielle with school drop offs and pick ups etc.  I had already decided that I'd go for maybe seven days and not the ten that my husband will go for.

Still, since she rang to offer (and what an amazing friend to offer and I do appreciate that), my body has gone into overdrive again.  It's not til the end of August - nearly two months away - that my husband is going, so can my body really handle almost two months of constant anxiety?  And not only that, will I actually be able to bring myself to leave??   My chest feels slightly tight.  My heart isn't racing nor my adrenaline pumping but it's something 'not quite right' that I can feel and I know it's associated with the stress of leaving my kids.

My husband booked his ticket today.  We'll book mine (with the few less days) if I feel that I can go.  He said he'll wait to book accommodation until I decide as he said he'd probably stay in nicer places if I were going too.  I've seen pics of a couple of people on facebook recently who have taken big trips away without their kids.  They can do it. Why can't I??

I think my husband knows better than me that in the end, I won't be able to do it.  I'm disappointed in myself.

I was grocery shopping today and went to the chemist and bought some 'rescue remedy' which is supposed to help calm the nervous system down.  I also bought some tablets for stress - just some herbs and vitamins (like magnesium and calcium) in them which I had read helps stress.  I thought maybe I could try to naturally combat it and bring myself to go.

Okay so I'm sure this is boring and beyond reading by now but it often helps me to get things down on paper.

After reading 'Have you filled a bucket today?' to the children at bedtime, Jack whispered to me that he loved me because I am the best Mum ever and because I'd do anything for them.   That is true my son, I would do anything for you guys.  But I wish I could bring myself to take a bit of a leap of faith and go on this holiday for myself and for my husband too!

Ayla
x

Shhh it's a secret...

Children amaze me with their ability to swear to secrecy over a birthday present for another child, and then in the next breath tell the birthday child what their present is!

Jack turns eight in a month's time and I have been really organised this year present wise.  I ordered him rollerblades which he's been hanging out for since December last year when I first took the boys to a rollerskating rink.   Henry got blades for his sixth birthday in March so the lack of blades for Jack has been an even greater source of discomfort for him since then.  I bought Henry's in store however I wanted to get the same pair but at least in a different colour for Jack so I ordered online.  

The blades arrived while I was home one day with Florence and a sick Henry having a day off school.  "PLEASE can we see what his present is.  PLEASE.  We won't tell him!" We went through the 'Secrets are about surprises and presents' and how it would be nice for Jack to be surprised.

Last night Jack tells me that Florence immediately told him about the blades (not surprising for a three year old I guess), but Henry went so far as to tell him where in the cupboard I'd hidden them!  I had specifically hidden them at the top of a cupboard not normally used for presents, AND done it when no children were around but somehow I have still been outdone.  Jack did not try to get the package down so I suppose that's something.

Henry also bought him a Skylander with his own pocket money (I had to top it up as he didn't have enough money but still a nice thought).  Jack knows about that too.  I was a bit cross at Henry but when he explained that it's really, REALLY hard to not give hints when Jack keeps asking... well then I had to laugh and ended up feeling cross at Jack instead!

Jack is starting to understand that now he knows what two of his presents are, well it's just not as much fun as wondering and guessing and... WAITING!  He has apologised for tormenting Jonah for hints (Jonah only had to give one hint which was "the first three letters are 'S-K-Y".  I had to laugh at that too!).

I tried to explain that it's a bit like when I have a pregnant friend.  If they know if the baby is a boy or a girl, I can't help but find out but once I do, I sort of wish I'd waited til the baby was born to have the ultimate surprise, and that part of the fun is waiting and wondering.  And that goes doubly if I find out the baby's name before birth too!

Here's a pic of the soon to be eight year old and I, way back when..

Thankfully I have been a bit sneaky about one other present that he asked for a while ago and which I thought was a great idea.  I'll let you in on it below.

He asked for a desk in his room.  He and his brother share a room and while it's a good size, I didn't want a really big desk in there.  This should be perfect.  I'd still prefer him to do his homework at the kitchen table as that's more conducive to him asking questions, but I think that he'll love having a desk in his room to colour, write, read at etc..

http://www.ikea.com/au/en/catalog/products/00244748/

And a swivel chair!  Don't know how long this baby will last as I'm sure all three children will end up fighting over it so I'll just have to hope it doesn't get broken.

http://www.ikea.com/au/en/catalog/products/20214118/

Shhhhhh, don't tell!

Ayla

x

Thou shalt not....

A rainy Monday afternoon, 10th June 2013 (Australian time)

It so happened that recently an online friend (a big shout out to my April '10 PR Mothers) posted an article about the effects of yelling on children.  When did I decide that I might yell too much?  Maybe it was when I didn't even want to read the article.  Because I knew that I yelled and so I knew I was going to be made to feel bad about how I parent.

I LOVE MY CHILDREN.  I don't think there's anyone out there who knows me who will deny me that.  But do I think I could be doing a better job?  All the time.  Eventually I did read that article.  I even disagreed with some of it.   But, the idea was borne within me that I really would like to interact more positively with my children, and that meant, no more yelling!

And now, a date set in stone - Monday 10th June 2013 (while I started the no yelling about three weeks ago and have not fallen off the wagon, I never acknowledged exactly when I started).   I read a blog by a woman who decided not to yell for 365 days and she posted ten positive things she'd gotten out of that.  I wouldn't say I was inspired as such, but I certainly didn't take anything negative away from it either and moreso made me feel that I had made the right decision to try to improve. From this woman's blog I did set a goal - to see whether I could go for 365 days without yelling at my children.  Found the link - hope it works! 

/http://theorangerhino.com/10-things-i-learned-when-i-stopped-yelling-at-my-kids/

So where am I at?  I've discovered very quickly that sometimes the kids would just be niggling at each other and my urge to yell was immense, even though they weren't really being that bad (more like the straw that broke the camel's back).  It occurred to me that it might often be my own need to release steam that creates my urge to yell.  

There have been times where I've had to whisper to myself "Do not yell, do not yell". 

There are times when I know that yelling would get a child to accomplish something much faster than trying to work out another way to approach things (Henry going through a stage of not wanting to go to school for example), but all in all I think I'm going okay and Jack has even told me that I'm doing a good job (thanks buddy!).

I have said to the children at various times something along the lines of, "I'm feeling angry but I'm trying hard not to yell".  I mean I'm figuring it's okay, maybe even healthy to let them know that I'm angry or frustrated but that I'm trying to find more reasonable ways to calm down than I might have previously.

Funny thing is, I'm a very non-confrontational person who will go out of my way to avoid any source of conflict.  I wouldn't have picked me for a yelling mother.  But there you have it.  We come in all shapes and forms and I've yelled with the best of them.  I'm not proud of that, but I am proud of the fact that I'm trying to make a change.

I know myself that if someone is angry at you, it's not a nice feeling.  I don't want my kids to grow up feeling scared of me because I yell.  So that's probably the crux of my conscious decision to at least try not to yell.  

I probably should add (being a new blog and all and aware that if I'm putting myself out there I'm bound to be judged), that I don't actually yell day in, day out - 24/7!  But I've raised my voice more often than I needed to and so, I'm working on that.

Ayla

x

Here's a random beach pic from April this year.  I love blogs that add lots of pictures so thought I'd add a few here and there.

The Virgin Post

For a while now I've been thinking of things I'd randomly like to put out there to the universe. Whether it be that my kids are awesome (or not), or whether it's a personal opinion that maybe I don't feel I can voice in the real world.   I think a big part of it is that I think about writing a lot about my life 'in the moment', and when that moment passes and I haven't written it down - well I don't want to regret it later!

My husband has an awesome memory and he can say, "Don't you remember when Jack did xyz when he was 1 year, 2 month and 3 days old" (okay so his memory's not quite THAT good, but close).  Unless I've got photographic or video evidence, I'm just as likely to go along agreeing but quietly thinking, that no, I really DON'T remember that awesomely cute moment in my child's life!

So, here is to creating some memories, sharing some pics and having something out in the cyber world that can keep some memories for me if (shouldn't even type it) say we got burgled and someone took our computer which holds all our photos.. I'm very bad at printing any out.

So, to me... Ayla.  I'm 38.  I have three children, Jack (closing in on 8 next month), Henry (6) and Florence (3).  My husband (let's just call him dh until I think of something better as I do want to protect our privacy a little) is 34 and we live in sunny Queensland and wouldn't dream of changing our location.  We love where we live!

Before I write too much more I'd better see if I can actually publish this.

I don't know how to create pictures or pretty much do anything here, but I'll get there.

Until next time,
Ayla
x

(Oh look, I even worked out how to add a photo.  The lovely Florence and I.)